Like most humans these days, much of my life has been filled with reaching out to others telling them tidbits throughout my day for human connection, or doing a quick video chat with my sister to just have a glimmer of adult conversation. Really, I love chatting with any person above the age of three that isn't judgy that I actively ignore my children for 10-minute increments throughout the day and isn't shocked that our household volume is never below 120 decibels.
The pandemic-mentality of our house has been aggressively aided by my anxiety and outrage over idiots, for lack of a better term, not respecting the science, statistical data, and basic facts of our situation. So, much of my lack of socialization and cheeky outbursts have been taken out on my poor, understanding husband. Instead of having tantrums on a regular basis, I started to take note of questions that I wanted to fiercely throw in his face.
Here are a few for public viewing and pleasure:
1. Why are you the way that you are?
My husband cares about some of the dumbest, most minuscule things. For example, he cares that I have a short stool that I utilize while in the kitchen. He doesn't use it, but he thinks that it gets in the way and needs to go away. He HATES it.
He doesn't like change and that there's a right way to do things, so he doesn't like my creativity and abrupt problem-solving.*
...but yet he has left a dead crane fly on the wall squished for the past week.
2. Do you ever secretly keep score?
Because I do...
...and guess what? You're losing.
3. If I bring up an imbalance in duties within our household structure, why must I also have to aid you in time management to get you to take on more responsibility?
This is just layering on a ridiculous amount of expectations on me for helping you be an equal parent. It would be much easier just to bite my tongue and continue on with the imbalance...good thing I'm a stubborn, hardworking lady! This isn't going away and I shall begin my passive-aggressive protests shortly. [Remember that time I got mad and pulled up your side of the fitted sheet before I fell asleep? Or hid your pillow in the closet? I've got a whole new list of catty ways to mess with you.] Until then, I will nag openly and without warning.
4. You haven’t told anyone about that one time I told you that you were right, right?
5. Are you really that embarrassed that you do a spotless impression of the dog across the ditch?
No joke. The dog is similar to this one, except a more extreme version of barking stance...
-- the bottom jaw doesn't go anywhere, so it's like the pickles from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2.**
6. In what world is asking me to make guacamole at 9:02 PM acceptable?
9:02 PM qualifies as an acceptable bedtime by social standards, so you are a psychopath for thinking a multi-step recipe at that time of night is OK. Also, by putting you in charge of putting together our dinner plans and cooking, I was passively telling you that my only job is to sit on the couch, watch Zac Efron, and wait for food to be put in front of me.
7. Do you need to go on anxiety medication, too?
It is something to be explored and considered...don't knock it until you try it!
8. Why do you gravitate towards the middle of the kitchen island as your home base?
I swear this man lives for being in my freaking way.
9. Are you just playing dumb?
Do you really not believe in dusting or do you say that just to get out of it? Do you really think that just because you can't see the hair on the bathroom floor that you don't have to vacuum it? Do you honestly not know how to tell the difference between bathroom versus kitchen towels and where they go? Did you honestly not smell the death fumes coming from that baby's diaper? Do you really not believe in putting away the kids' toys?
10. Does it really take you 20-minutes to poop every time?
Answers to a handful of his burning questions:
1. Yes, that is how I was planning on leaving that.
I straight up don’t give a shit on how the dishwasher is arranged.
2. Nope. Not going to happen, and yes, I’m serious.
3. Yes, I’m planning on aiming for those stupid poles every time I back out of the driveway.
They are just targets now.
4. Yes, sometimes I need you to fill in the gaps in my life. It’s called “deligating.” So, when I ask you to find me a video compilation of people smelling disgusting things, I’m being serious.***
Just like reaching for things on the high shelf, consider it another reason that I keep you around.
5. Yes, I really do need you to pick out my shoes for the day.
Not only am I indecisive about what looks best with my outfit, but also by the end of my raging anxiety-ridden morning of getting ready, while balancing getting kiddos ready for the day and getting presentable for school, WHILE dealing with the insurmountable amount of mommy-guilt for having to leave for work it is just the last thing that I need to be in charge of. This type of low-stakes decision has your name written all over it.
*You should probably know that I called him to ask him for examples of all of his "stupid opinions" and he knew exactly what I was talking about.
***Inspired by the Parks & Rec episode of Tom creating a potion for Dennis Feinstein. Here's a treat for you: