Freaking Cluster

You know when you're sick and you're not quite sure if you'll ever poop the same ever again?  Or if your snot will ever not be cascading down your face?  And you can't remember a time when things were just "normal," i.e. being able to trust a fart.*

This uncertainty is exactly how I feel.  Will life ever feel "normal" again?  At this point, I'm just hoping to have a plateau to the madness, or even have my head solidly wrapped around what to expect each day...even for a few days in a row!

On the bright side, I will say we have built our sleep routine in as good as it's going to get at this point, so things are golden as far as I'm concerned!  Other than that, we have just accepted some of the craziness, including:
  • The babes wearing 4 different sizes of clothing.  Laundry is a freaking crumb.  Also, Erich can't even keep boy vs. girl clothes separate, so count him out on this task.
  • 4 different kinds of diapers -- overnight vs. daily, Huggies vs. Up & Up, etc. Can someone please invent a "Diaper Supply Management" app, profession, or tracking system to make sure that we don't run out or overbuy each size and type?
  • Random people still ask me if we "planned" for this... 
  • I've also been asked if all 4 quads are identical to one another... 
  • Teething.  Plain and simple: Teething.
  • The legs on our bouncy chairs are slowly tearing off numerous toes...seriously.  The legs stick out further than the chair itself making it nearly impossible not to trip on multiple times a day.  It's the equivalent of stepping on a Lego, but while your kid is still a baby.  I'm surprised Elsie hasn't sworn yet.
To deal with this and making adjustments due to the school year starting up, tasks have started to be divvied up for survival purposes.  I went back to work about 6-weeks ago, and almost exactly a week in, I started to notice a slow white-hot rage building under the surface of my normally calm, carefree persona.  Yes, I was still organized and yes, I still could hold it "together" in public, but at home...*YIKES*

Imagine a quick transition from Moana's Te Fiti...


to Te Ka...


No, I never have hurt my children.
No, they have never been at risk.
No, I have never had to worry about harming them.
...but Erich on the other hand.

No, I have not acted fully on my urges to "Te Ka" him.
Yes, I acknowledge that most of my trigger points are irrational, but they exist.
Here's what I do instead when triggered:  I freaking whip his pillows into the closet for him to have to hunt for them and add inconvenience by pulling up his side of the fitted sheet.


You guys, it felt so good!  I get that it's the kind of crap Peter Pan would pull, but I feel like it's just petty enough to not quite be the work of a sociopath and a great way to build my creativity.

The issue that I have with all of this is that I feel like I've been walking around with my jaw clenched for WEEKS.  Every day includes a routine that has me going, going, going.  I feel like I'm keeping up, but that it leads me to be on the cusp of rampaging most nights by the time all the kids are asleep...which is exactly when Erich gets home. 

This is called "anxiety."


So, bring on the drugs to provide little SSRI-intervention to take the edge off and splash some hypothetic water on the coals.  I'm not ecstatic about needing help, but I know that trying this will help me be a better mom in the long run.

I'll keep you updated on how this all goes down, but I'm excited to potentially get some relief and be a better-relaxed mom, wife, teacher, and all-around person.


*You know exactly what I'm talking about, and if you don't, you're lying to yourself.

Comments

  1. Hang in there momma, it's awesome you'll share your struggles with the rest of the world. There is no shame in trying meds, having a baby is a major life change, ummm you had 4! Hugs and strength to you 🙏

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